I miss him. I miss one of my best friends right now. Or… I should say.. someone who used to be my best friend for so many years. I miss him so much that I’m crying and I just sent this long ass message to my boyfriend, who isn’t with me at the moment since I’m back in L.A. visiting my mom. I don’t think I’ve ever missed having someone be in my life this badly and I don’t know what to do about it. Mind you, it doesn’t happen often, if at all. I think it’s mostly because I’m so preoccupied in my life and I’m so happy as is, that he just never crosses my mind. But the very few times a year that he randomly does pop into my mind, I just end up missing him soooo much. Like I said.. he was my best friend for the longest. Even before we were dating and way before I was so emotionally invested. I am in no shape or form wanting any sort of feelings like that back. I know he’s perfectly happy, and so am I. I wouldn’t change that for anything. But it doesn’t change the fact that what I want most right now is his friendship back. And I don’t think that would ever happen. Because 1) I don’t think I want to be friends again. Simply because there is too much there for us to just be friends. And by that I don’t mean feelings of being more than friends. Again, not at all. I don’t think that could ever happen again. Just, too many memories, too many past feelings. I would not be comfortable being friends in my opinion. At least not feeling what I do when I try to imagine it. I’m just not okay with it. I’m not comfortable. And quite frankly, I don’t think it’s possible. Plus, we’re both fire signs, both stubborn. I know I won’t ever make the first move. And I’m almost even more positive that there is less of a possibility on his part. I was told a few years ago that if it happened, I would be completely out of his life. I would be erased from his memories as if I never existed. And I know he is prideful enough to keep that promise. So I wouldn’t be surprised that I never once crossed his mind since the day we both disappeared from each other’s lives. Because I knew that would be the consequence, and I took it. And like I said, we’re both happy. I don’t want to ruin that for anything. But I still miss him. At least tonight I miss him. And probably more than all those other times. Because for once I didn’t immediately push this thought out of my mind and decided to actually spent a few minutes thinking about it. And now I regret it because I can’t get this feeling out of me. So yeah, that’s it. I just needed to rant this out somewhere, anywhere. And this felt like a good place for that. So I’m just going to play some Pokemon now, plant some precious berries, and talk to my boyo while we both dose off and hope that this feeling goes away soon. Goodnight.
So today I had two embarrassing moments. I headed over to my boy’s place to help him finish packing since he is moving. I thought it was going to be just him, his friend and myself. When I arrived, I was shocked to see him mom, three friends, a friend of a friend and some mover guys there. Turns out when they were packing up his room, they found an empty box of condoms and lots and lots of lube. When I came in, it had just happened too and it was all still there >///< And to make it worse, when we finished and dropped off some boxes and monitors at the new place, Neil and I took a break and ended up falling asleep on the couch watching Ink Master. I know I do weird things when I fall asleep. Like pose, talk (only if I’m super tired} and even take off my clothes when it is too hot. Turns out, it was hot. I lifted up my shirt, pulled my pants down a little and was holding my boobs. I don’t mind the slightly lifted up shirt or the boob grabbing. It was more of the fact that I know that his mom saw my undies D///x Yep. That concludes the embarrassing stories of Haydie for today.
Ugh my boyfriend is so perfect. He packs all day because he is helping his mom move even though he too has to move soon. And even though he is exhausted and I miss him like crazy, he makes sure to still make me feel loved and pretty and very much appreciated. He tells me the sweetest things that makes my heart flutter, helps me get and look through some stuff that I’ve want in store/online and still offers to watch a movie with me as soon as he gets home. As late as it is and as tired as he probably feels after packing for days. He does that and more just to keep me happy, loved, special and more. He is just. Ugh. I don’t deserve such an amazing guy. I don’t even know what I did to have this beautiful handsome god appear in my life and love me the way he does. But fuck it, I don’t care. Whatever made him this blindly in love with me and be the most caring, compassionate, loving and perfect guy, I’ll take it. It just makes me love him that much more by each word that comes out of his mouth, by each sweet action and everything that he does just makes me try harder each and every day to be worthy of him and his love. And writing this is making me cry like a little baby but I can’t help it. I love him so fucking much that I feel that my heart is literally about to burst from all the love I have for him and can’t contain. I just hope he never stops loving me. I love him too much.
shoutout to everyone who puts up with my insanely varied interests (◡‿◡✿)
shoutout to the followers who have never spoken to me but stay (✿◠‿◠)
shoutout to the people I talk to every day and often rant to emotionally (◕‿◕✿)
shoutout to the people who I sometimes go weeks without talking to but then can message out of the blue and still adore just as much (✿☺‿☺)
shoutout to you (♥‿♥)
I’m on Tumblr to update my queue (and hopefully max it to post normally), and I want to smoke my vape soooo bad.
But mother is sitting right next to me and I promised my love I wouldn’t smoke while she is in the house Dx Ugh I’m so addicted >.>